When Parts Meet Partnership: How PACT and IFS Can Transform Your Relationship

In couples therapy, I often witness something powerful: a moment when one partner sees something in the other—not just a behavior or reaction, but a part of them. A scared part. A protective part. A part that’s been driving the relationship from the shadows.

And when that moment is held with care, understanding, and structure, it can change everything.

In my work with couples, I use two frameworks that complement each other beautifully: PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) and IFS (Internal Family Systems or “parts work”). Together, they offer a roadmap not only for healing conflict, but for building secure, resilient relationships that can withstand life’s storms.

What Is PACT?

PACT is a model of couples therapy that focuses on creating secure functioning relationships—relationships where both partners feel emotionally safe, prioritized, and protected by one another. It draws from neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation, helping couples understand not just what’s happening between them, but what’s happening within them.

One of the most meaningful elements of PACT is its developmental lens. It invites couples to understand how early attachment experiences, previous relationships, and unconscious patterns may be influencing how they relate now. Rather than pathologizing these reactions, PACT asks us to bring curiosity and compassion to them.

Shifting from “Me” to “We”

At the heart of PACT is the idea of a two-person system. Rather than approaching your relationship as two separate individuals trying to get your own needs met, PACT invites you to operate as a team. A securely functioning couple doesn’t just protect their individuality—they protect the relationship itself. They build a dynamic of shared safety, co-regulation, and trust.

This shift can feel vulnerable. For many, it brings up a fear of losing themselves, or becoming dependent—especially for those with histories of codependency or trauma. But I’ve found that this shift is not about loss of self. It’s about growing into a version of yourself who can hold both individuality and partnership, and who sees the value in co-creating safety, rather than fighting for it alone.

Why Parts Work Belongs in the Room

While PACT helps couples understand their nervous systems and relational dynamics, there are moments when parts of us show up in ways that surprise everyone—including ourselves.

That’s where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes in.

IFS teaches us that we all have internal “parts”—younger, protective, or wounded parts of self that show up to guard us from pain or recreate familiar roles. In couples therapy, these parts often appear in the form of intense reactions, shutdowns, criticism, or control. They're not the whole person—they’re a part trying to protect something deeply vulnerable.

When we name these parts in the room, something shifts. A partner who once felt blamed can now witness their loved one with compassion: “Ah, that’s the part of you that learned to push people away before they hurt you.” This lens creates space for tenderness rather than reactivity.

Healing Happens in the Witness

One of the most transformative moments in couples therapy is when one partner sees—not just the behavior, but the wound beneath it. When they can sit across from their partner and witness the scared, protective, or angry part with soft eyes and an open heart.

This is where secure functioning takes root: in choosing to turn toward each other, not away. In seeing one another’s pain without judgment. In becoming the safe harbor for each other’s inner world.

When couples can learn to name their own parts, and recognize the parts in their partner, something deep and lasting begins to shift. Old patterns lose their grip. New possibilities emerge.

The Invitation

Couples therapy is not just about communication skills or conflict resolution—though those are important. It’s about learning to truly understand your partner and yourself. It’s about growing into a relationship where both people feel safe, seen, and supported.

By integrating the nervous system wisdom of PACT with the emotional depth of parts work, we can create powerful moments of healing. We can help stuck relationships move forward. We can make space for the scared parts, the angry parts, the tender parts—and through that, create a relationship that feels truly alive.

Ready to Begin?

If you and your partner are navigating conflict, disconnection, or simply want to deepen your relationship, I offer couples therapy rooted in PACT and parts work. Together, we’ll explore how your nervous systems, past experiences, and protective parts may be shaping your dynamic—and how you can move toward secure, connected, and compassionate partnership.

Who This Approach Can Help

The integration of PACT and parts work can be especially powerful for couples who:

• Feel stuck in repeating patterns of conflict or shutdown

• Have difficulty understanding each other’s emotional reactions

• Want to move beyond blame into deeper connection and repair

• Are healing from past trauma—either individually or relationally

• Long for more emotional safety, security, and intimacy

• Want to grow together, not just co-exist

• Are curious about how their own inner world affects their relationship dynamic

• Feel ready to do the deeper, developmental work of building a secure, mature partnership

If any of this resonates, know that you’re not alone—and your relationship can evolve.

Resources:

• Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
  A foundational book introducing the PACT model in a warm, accessible way.

• Stan Tatkin – We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love
  A deeper dive into the commitment and developmental aspects of secure functioning partnerships.

• Richard C. Schwartz – No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
  An excellent introduction to parts work and how our internal system impacts relationships.

• Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt – Getting the Love You Want
  While not explicitly IFS or PACT, this classic work complements the idea of developmental healing in relationship.

• The PACT Institute Blog – https://www.thepactinstitute.com/blog
  Offers insights and practical tools from Stan Tatkin and other practitioners using the PACT model.

• The IFS Institute – https://ifs-institute.com
  Learn more about parts work and how it applies to relationships, with resources for clients and clinicians.