I Didn’t Think Marriage Would Change Us… But It Did

We didn’t think anything would change. We were already committed. We already lived together. But something did change. And it surprised us.

It’s a belief I hear from couples all the time: that marriage, especially after years of being together, won’t shift anything significant. But then they find themselves unsettled, wondering why the dynamic feels different, heavier, even confusing.

The truth is, marriage often changes the emotional terrain of a relationship. And not because something is wrong. But because something deeper is being asked of us.

The Myth of “Nothing Will Change”

Many couples walk into marriage assuming that their deep love and commitment will remain untouched by the legal or symbolic act of binding. Our culture often reinforces this idea—that if you’re solid beforehand, marriage is just a formality.

But for many, something shifts. The moment of signing that contract, of saying vows in front of witnesses, creates a kind of internalizing of "forever." That act alone can trigger parts of us we didn’t even know were there.

What Actually Changes

In my work, I’ve noticed that the "binding" or transaction of signing a marriage contract can create a type of relational pressure that couples do not expect. David Schnarch called this a "sexual crucible"—but the metaphor expands far beyond the bedroom.

Suddenly, the relationship is not just about love and compatibility. It carries permanence. The partner who once felt light and easy to navigate begins to take on a kind of gravity. Their small behaviors start to feel like big, immovable mountains. That internal pressure—often unconscious—can lead to feelings of being trapped or overwhelmed.

And often, this is compounded by the fact that many couples haven’t had the deep, foundational conversations they need: What is the purpose of our relationship? How do we want to govern our lives together? What are our beliefs around finances, children, fidelity, or managing in-laws?

Without these shared agreements, marriage can highlight the assumptions each partner holds—assumptions that were never named out loud.

And the pressure to conform, please, control, or defer begins to emerge. One partner might feel unknown. The other might feel unseen. Their nervous systems begin to spin up in confusion, trying to protect against a shift they can’t fully understand or articulate.

The Power of the Crucible: Discomfort as an Invitation, Not a Failure

David Schnarch described the intimate relationship as a crucible—a container strong enough to hold immense heat, pressure, and transformation. What many couples interpret as something going wrong—more conflict, more tension, more emotional distance—is often the exact opposite. It’s not failure. It’s the beginning of real growth.

Marriage creates pressure. But that pressure brings unconscious expectations and wounds to the surface. In this way, discomfort isn’t a problem—it’s information. And if partners can stay curious and present, the crucible becomes transformative. It doesn’t burn the relationship down. It tempers it. It strengthens it.

How PACT and IFS Help Couples Stay Inside the Crucible

Both PACT and IFS offer pathways for staying present in the heat without collapsing or fleeing.

In PACT, couples learn to co-regulate—to be each other’s safe home base, even when the nervous system is lit up. They build secure functioning, not by avoiding conflict, but by staying emotionally tethered through it.

IFS offers a way to understand the protectors that arise under pressure. That controlling behavior? That sudden withdrawal? Often, it's a protector part stepping in to manage the vulnerability that "forever" evokes. When each partner can speak for their parts, instead of from them, intimacy deepens.

Together, these models offer a kind of emotional alchemy. Not to escape the crucible, but to let it reveal—and refine—who we are, together.

Marriage as a Container for Growth

There’s a belief I hold—and that many in this field share—that the deeper intention of marriage is not just to bind two people together, but to create a container where growth is expected. A living contract to keep becoming.

So when couples find themselves in the crucible, when things feel more intense or uncertain, it’s not that the marriage is broken. It’s that the marriage is doing what it was designed to do: invite transformation.

PACT teaches couples how to have each other’s backs through a deep understanding of one another’s histories and nervous systems. It fosters secure functioning through care, clarity, and accountability. IFS helps partners bring compassion to the inner landscapes that show up in relationship—not to erase difference, but to meet it with presence.

This journey of learning to speak your truth, stay connected, and grow in the presence of another is not always easy. But it is sacred. And when couples choose to stay in the work, not as a burden but as a shared path, marriage becomes something beautiful: not just a bond, but a transformation.

Sources and Further Reading:

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. W.W. Norton & Company.
– Introduces the concept of the sexual crucible and differentiation within long-term relationships.

Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger.
– Foundation text on PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) and secure functioning.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.
– Explains the principles of IFS (Internal Family Systems) and working with parts in therapy.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
– For attachment-based couples work (Emotionally Focused Therapy), complements the ideas of secure bonds.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
– Explores communication breakdown, conflict resolution, and long-term relationship health.

Polyvagal Theory – Based on the work of Stephen Porges, informing the nervous system lens in couples therapy.
– Accessible intro: Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. Norton.