Parts Work in Couples Therapy: Seeing the Child Beneath the Defenses

How Parts Work Transforms Relationships

Every couple brings a complex inner world into their relationship. Even confident, successful adults carry parts formed long before the partnership began—parts that learned how to survive emotion, conflict, and closeness in earlier relationships.

In couples therapy, I often describe these as “porcupine parts”—the protective spikes we show to signal don’t get too close. They appear as:

• defensiveness

• independence that becomes isolation

• rigidity or “my way or the highway”

• shutting down

• dominance or grandiosity

• difficulty tolerating feedback

To the partner, these can look selfish, cold, or uncaring.
But in parts work, we see them for what they truly are:
protective strategies developed by a much younger self.

Your partner isn’t being difficult.
Your partner is protecting a part of themselves they haven’t met yet.

How These Defenses Form

Just as in individual work, relational defenses form in childhood when closeness feels unsafe, unpredictable, or overwhelming.

A child may adapt by:

• becoming hyper-independent

• refusing to rely on others

• using anger to block vulnerability

• becoming the caretaker to avoid rejection

• shutting down to avoid disappointment

• performing perfection to stay loved

These adaptations become embedded into the adult nervous system—but they originate from an earlier version of the self.

When conflict arises in a partnership, these parts jump in using the only strategies they have: the ones they learned at age 5, 10, or 16.

This is why partners can look so mature in other areas of life, yet during conflict, seem suddenly young, reactive, idealistic, terrified, or immovable.

How Parts Work Helps Couples See Each Other Differently

One of the most healing moments in couples therapy happens when partners begin to recognize:

**“This isn’t you attacking me.

This is a young part of you trying to protect itself.”**

When guided gently, partners can often identify the younger qualities first:

• the playfulness

• the mischief

• the sweetness

• the sensitivity

• the brilliance

• the hopefulness

These are often the qualities they were drawn to early in the relationship—the inner child that still lives within the adult.

When unhealed, these same qualities can become distorted by fear.
Parts work brings partners back into empathy:
“I’ve actually known this part of you all along.”

How Healing Happens in Couples Therapy

In PACT-oriented couples work, partners become co-regulators—not therapists for each other, but supportive attachment figures who can help update one another’s internal systems.

Three transformative shifts often occur:

1. Partners stop blaming and start understanding

Instead of “You always do this,” the frame becomes:
“I see the scared part trying to protect you.”

This softens both sides.

2. The defensive parts relax when they feel seen

When the younger self realizes the partner isn’t the critical parent or the unsafe caregiver, defenses lower. Space opens. Conversations shift.

3. Secure functioning becomes possible

When both partners recognize they are not enemies, but allies, they can begin to build a relationship where:

• both feel safe

• both feel seen

• both feel supported

• both feel empowered

From a PACT lens, long-term relationships naturally become new attachment bonds.
Partners replace the childhood attachment figure.
This isn’t dependency—it’s biology.
It’s how humans are wired.

When partners can meet each other’s young parts with care, they become each other’s secure base.

What This Looks Like in Practice

A partner might say:

• “I see the part of you that feels alone.”

• “I understand why you get sharp—it’s trying to protect you.”

• “The child in you didn’t deserve that pain.”

• “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

And the defended partner often responds with relief.
Defenses that seemed immovable suddenly soften.

Even couples on the brink of separation can shift when their youngest, most vulnerable parts finally feel understood instead of judged.

A Final Reflection

Parts work in couples therapy isn’t about assigning blame or digging through the past.
It’s about understanding the internal stories that shape how we love and how we protect ourselves from love.

When partners can recognize the child beneath the defenses—both in themselves and in each other—relationships transform.

What once felt like attack becomes an invitation for healing.
What once felt hopeless becomes repairable.
What once felt rigid becomes tender.

Because beneath every protective layer is a longing to be seen, soothed, and safe with the person you love.

Next Steps

If you and your partner are noticing protective patterns or longing for a more connected, secure experience together, I’d be glad to help. I offer couples therapy rooted in PACT and parts work to support you in finding safety, understanding, and deeper closeness. You’re welcome to schedule a consultation or explore next steps on my website.